There are an unbelievable number of parallels between your childhood/upbringing and your relationships. People exclaim that their partners are a version of a parent—or my favorite, “he/she reminds me of home.” This doesn’t bode well if you had a rough and tumultuous upbringing. I’m often reminded of the saying, “People would rather a familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven.” The point is that, emotionally, many of us are fragile, and painful experiences are what create extreme changes in our brain and in how we relate in relationships. You know what else changes the brain? Chronic illness. I’ve noticed in myself that the mistrust I carried in my body for years has also carried over to how I trust the things in my environment—including people. My illness has taught me the pain of unreliability and uncertainty: having a body that isn’t there for me in moments and on occasions when I need it the most, remembering the countless cancellations, broken promises, and disappointments from others that have had an impact on my relationships. Curious about how chronic illness changes a person’s attachment style, I reached out to psychologists, counselors, and mental health professionals and asked:
“How does living with a chronic illness or disease influence a person’s attachment style over time? Are there common patterns or shifts you have observed in individuals with secure, anxious, or avoidant attachment styles?”
Here are some of their insights:
Chronic Illness Amplifies Attachment Patterns
Illness Strains Secure Attachment
Chronic Illness Alters Emotional Well-Being
Illness Triggers Anxious Attachment
What are the different Attachment styles?
Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment feel safe with closeness and trust others. They are comfortable asking for help when needed. They balance independence and togetherness well.
Anxious Attachment: People with anxious attachment often worry about being abandoned. They need frequent reassurance and can feel insecure. Their fear of being alone sometimes makes them seem clingy.
Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment prefer to keep a bit of distance in relationships. They rely on themselves and don’t easily open up. They may hide their true feelings to feel safe.
Disorganized Attachment: People with disorganized attachment show mixed signals in relationships. They sometimes want closeness but at other times push people away. Their behavior can be unpredictable because they struggle with trust.
Expert Insights on: How Chronic Illness Changes a Person’s Attachment Style
Chronic Illness Amplifies Attachment Patterns
“The attachment style of a person can be very much affected in the long term by living with a chronic illness, which generally amplifies previous patterns or results in shifts due to their experience with caregiving, support systems, and emotional regulation.”
Shebna N Osanmoh, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner
Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner Shebna N. Osanmoh shares how he’s seen secure attachment types manage their chronic illness by saying:
“Chronic illness can challenge their strength, but they tend to cope by reaching out to loved ones and healthcare providers while retaining a positive self-concept.
Example: A securely attached individual who develops multiple sclerosis may express their needs to the partner, and this may deepen emotional intimacy.”
His insights on anxious attachment:
“-They are more fearful of abandonment due to their disease.
– Overly dependent on caregivers: Constant reassurance seeking and the feeling of being a burden.
– Example: A person with fibromyalgia is always afraid that their partner will leave because of the change in their symptoms, causing too much checking-in and emotional disturbance.”
For an avoidant attachment:
“- Avoidantly attached individuals will pull back even further since dependence on others is considered a weakness.
– They may minimize their symptoms or refuse assistance, exacerbating isolation.
–Example: Someone with diabetes will refuse to speak about their condition to one of his closest friends, insisting that he can work it out by himself, even when he is becoming overwhelmed.”
He shares the common changes seen over time:
“- Secure individuals may become anxious personalities if they experience repeated medical trauma or lack of support.
– Avoidant individuals may become even more anxious if their independence is threatened, such as relying on a caregiver.
– Anxious individuals may move toward earned security if they can find stable, supportive relationships.”
“Chronic illness doesn’t just affect the body, it deeply impacts how people connect with and rely on others in their life. Over time living with chronic illness can reinforce existing attachment patterns or cause shifts, depending on the level of support the person living with chronic illness receives.”
Sarah Herstich, Trauma Therapist
Trauma Therapist, Sarah Herstich shares her experience with changes in the attachment styles of patients’ with chronic illness:
“Securely attached folks often start with a strong foundation, but the strain of illness can test even the most stable and strong relationships. Some grow closer through mutual adaptation, while others struggle if their support systems are unable to support them in the way in which they need.
Ambivalently attached folks may become more fearful of abandonment, seeking frequent reassurance and feeling like a burden to their loved ones. They might over apologize for their needs or worry that others will eventually pull away. They also might push their supports away with unrealistic demands or expectations, despite the great fear of abandonment.
People who have an avoidant attachment tendency might lean toward downplaying their struggles, refusing help to maintain a sense of control. Some distance themselves emotionally, while those with fearful-avoidant tendencies may wrestle with a push-pull dynamic, craving support but fearing rejection.
Disorganized attachment is complex, as these folks may crave support while simultaneously deeply fearing it. They might rely heavily on a caregiver one moment and push them away the next, struggling with trust and vulnerability in the face of needing support.”
She concludes,
“Over time, these patterns can evolve. Some people find deeper security in their relationships when consistent support and attunement is present, while others experience greater emotional distancing if their needs are repeatedly dismissed. Chronic illness not only impacts a person’s physical well-being but also their ability to trust, depend on, and feel safe with people in their life.”
Board Certified Physician Dr. Ryan Peterson states,
“Living with chronic illness and persistent pain doesn’t just take a toll on the body—it can also change the way people connect with others. Someone who once felt secure in relationships may develop anxious attachment, worrying they’re a burden to loved ones. Others with avoidant tendencies might withdraw even more, hiding their struggles to maintain independence. For some, turning to substance use becomes a way to cope, further distancing them from meaningful connections. Chronic illness isn’t just about managing symptoms—it affects emotional well-being too. Recognizing these shifts can help people find the right support, both physically and emotionally.”
Executive Director Anand Mehta of AMFM Healthcare shares,
“From what I’ve seen, chronic illness can really throw a wrench into how people connect with others. It’s fascinating, but also heartbreaking, to see how it affects their attachment styles. You know, someone who’s generally secure in their relationships might suddenly become super clingy during a flare-up—they’re scared, they need reassurance, and that can come across as anxious attachment. Then you have others who are already anxious, and a chronic illness pushes them to become more distant and avoidant as a way to protect themselves. They’re worried about being a burden or about people getting tired of their health issues, so they pull back—almost saying, ‘I’ll push you away before you can reject me.’ And what’s really tough is that if someone already has insecurities about relationships, chronic illness can make everything worse, reinforcing those negative feelings. It’s a vicious cycle, and managing the stress of a chronic illness makes it even harder to regulate emotions, further complicating relationships.“
There’s more to chronic illness than its physical effects. It effects our attachments styles and reshapes us emotionally in many ways which include how we trust, connect and engage in relationships by amplifying or even shifting our innate attachment styles. Awareness is the first step towards healing and building healthier relationships. If you or someone you know is struggling with the emotional challenges of chronic illness, consider reaching out to a trusted mental health professional or joining a support group. Share this article to raise awareness and keep the conversation going about the vital link between chronic illness and attachment.
What are your thoughts about chronic illness and attachment style? Share in the comments below!
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